Gay son or thot daughter?
Either way, the problem is liking men
Would you rather have a gay son or a thot daughter? This question essentially asks whether you would rather have a son that is sexually attracted to men or a daughter that is sexually attracted to men. The question itself is deeply rooted in misogyny, homophobia and toxic masculinity, which is something that the responses affirm. However, the funny thing is, this question implies that the worst thing your child could do is like men.
The lore behind it
The question whether people rather wanted a gay son or thot daughter became a prominent question on TikTok around 2023. Loads of people went onto the street, asking other people which option they preferred. The trend sparked debates about the societal attitudes towards gender, sexuality and the double standards around it. In the context of this question, having a gay son would likely mean that you have failed as a parental figure to turn your son into a “man”, and that your “bloodline” could potentially end with him. Having a thot daughter, which is slang for a sexually promiscuous women, would bring shame, baggage and embarrassment to the family as she has many sexual encounters with men. While this question does not explicitly imply that a thot daughter is solely attracted to men, I would argue that promiscuous women who are sexually attracted to any other gender are not treated or viewed in the same way that straight women are. This is why I would argue that this question aims to only label straight women with certain behavioural patterns as “thots”.
So, what do you choose?
Before I lay out both answers to the question, I want to strongly emphasise that the comments that are used as examples in this paragraph are not my own, and do not even closely resemble my own opinions, norms and values.
Let me start with choosing thot daughter, thus rejecting a gay son. While a lot of people commented “both” on interviews that asked the question, and I had to scroll quite far down to find the homophobic comments, eventually they did pop up.
While the comments do differ in the intensity of hate that they carry, they are all rooted in the same homophobic mindset. Here are a few of the comments that popped up.
“I have friends that are gay, and I don’t care if you’re gay. I just don’t like the drama around it, so I’d prefer a straight”
“I would kill both ways”
“I would rather not have a gay son, but I’m not homophobic”
“Thot daughter aint no way that I’m EVER getting a gay son”
“suicide”
While it baffles me that people in general even leave a negative or bigoted comment on a TikTok, it surprises me even more how many people take time out of their day to comment their – in my opinion, ignorant and outdated – beliefs and how they are so confident in them that they are unafraid to spread them publicly. It is obvious that all the comments are rooted in homophobia, but I wonder why these people find it so dreadful to have a son who is homosexual.
Homophobia is often rooted in religious or conservative beliefs that argue that same sex intercourse or marriage is sinful, unnatural, or a threat to the nuclear family. This might also be due to societal pressure, as heteronormativity is seen the default form of relationships. Homophobia cannot be separated from toxic masculinity. Men who are perceived as not adhering to traditional masculine gender roles are often labeled as ‘soft’, ‘feminine’, ‘weak’, and ‘not real men’, contradicting the existing patriarchal norms that aim to define masculinity. These patriarchal norms reinforce harmful stereotypes that equate manhood with strength, dominance, and emotional stoicism. People having values that are so deeply rooted in patriarchal, conservative and religious ideas argue that a homosexual son would cause more ‘harm’ to the family name and reputation than a promiscuous daughter. This line of reasoning might also be grounded in the idea that a promiscuous daughter could be “disciplined” into classical behaviour, while a homosexual son can’t.
On the other hand, the people that chose a gay son do not want to be associated with a thot daughter. I think it is needless for me to say that this choice is rooted in misogyny. The comments that reject a thot daughter are as follows.
“Gay son is alright, thot daughter could be okay, but imagine her getting pregnant lol”
“I feel like you can’t say thot daughter without sounding homophobic”
“I would rather know my son is getting plowed by Johnny down the street than my daughter being plowed by the whole neighbourhood”
“Gay son for sure”
The main thing that comes to the surface when discussing promiscuity are the double standards that exist when it comes to promiscuous behaviour in men and women. Men that are sexually active with multiple partners often receive social validation for their actions, while women who engage in similar behaviour are then labelled as a ‘slut’, ‘whore’ or ‘easy’. Where the promiscuity of men is seen as something masculine or even successful, women face judgement, shame, and ridicule for similar behaviour, with often long-term social consequences concerning their reputation. These double standards are rooted in conservative values and patriarchal norms, as traditional gender norms often emphasise that women should be "pure" or "modest," especially in their sexual behaviour. Fathers and sometimes even mothers can feel a pressure to uphold these cultural ideals, viewing their daughters' sexual choices as a reflection of their family's values. Promiscuous behaviour by a women can be seen as a disruption of the ideal male dominance over the female body. Men who hold conservative views about family and marriage may believe that a woman’s promiscuity reduces her chances of finding a "respectable" partner or building a traditional family. The patriarchal structure present in our society seeks to control women's sexuality while perpetuating double standards that grant men more freedom in their sexual behaviour. They reinforce the idea that a women's worth is tied to their sexual choices, whereas a men's is not.
While our whole patriarchal society is built on liking, wanting, and even ‘needing’ men, apparently, there are many rules conforming how men should be yearned for. As a woman, you should like, respect, and adore men, but never in a way that is not considered ‘classy’, ‘elegant’, or ‘modest’. As a man, you should respect, like, and form bonds with other men, but never in a way that could be perceived as sexual or romantic, as this would then be associated with queerness, therefore questioning one’s ‘manhood’. While some might say that this TikTok trend is ‘not that deep’, and I am reading way too much into this, I argue that even though there is an increasing awareness for equal rights concerning women and queers, TikTok trends like these play a role in perpetuating harmful stereotypes and reinforcing societal double standards. They normalise the casual judgment of both women’s sexual autonomy and men’s queerness, subtly reinforcing patriarchal values that still dictate what is considered "acceptable" behaviour for both genders.
Side note:
I am not claiming that this text is either revolutionary or new in its ideas and arguments. All this text aims to do is unpack the underlying homophobia and misogyny in the question. Because after all, instead of a thot daughter, I would consider myself a thought daughter (or maybe a little of the former as well :)
(This blog post is inspired by a TikTok posted by @daijne_jones on Oktober 10th, 2024)